Tree

The headline above brings a whole new meaning to the term branching out. Emma McCabe, 31, poured her heart out in an interview with Closer magazine.

She has named the tree Tim, or someone has, we’re presuming it was her. 

“My feelings are genuine. I’ve had boyfriends, but never connected with anyone like Tim. I’m in love and would like to get married. I look at other trees, but don’t touch — I wouldn’t cheat on Tim.”

“He fulfills my emotional and sexual needs. I orgasm by rubbing against the bark naked. I love the feeling of skin-on-bark contact, which gives me a more pleasurable pain sensation, and the feel of his leaves against my skin makes me tingle. I have sex with him every week — it’s the best I’ve ever had!”

Men everywhere should be consulting Tim the tree for advice, he clearly knows what he’s doing. Emma sees Tim four times a week, though sometimes just talks to him without having sex. 

She says: “I look at other trees, but don’t touch — I wouldn’t cheat on Tim. I’d like to get married, but it would be a low-key ceremony with family.”

This stinks of acid trip gone too far. We’re unsure as to Tim’s whereabouts, but after reading the Closer article let’s hope it’s not in a public park of some sort. 

Let the puns begin…

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