Let’s talk about sex, baby. No really. Let’s talk about the deed. Worried you might be lacking? Here are an assimilation of tips one might gather from adult movies, erotic literature and terrible magazine articles. Basically, all the places that you shouldn’t be looking for sex tips. This is your incredibly bad guide on how to pretend to be amazing in bed
1. Dress up as Bob The Builder
Women love a man in uniform. We guarantee that if she enters the door after a long day at work and you’re stood there dressed as Bob offering to ‘fix it’ for her then she won’t stop thanking you for weeks.
2. Or Margaret Thatcher
Power and seduction are synonymous. He doesn’t want to come home to an ironing lady, he wants to come home to THE Iron Lady.
3.Scream like you’ve seen a ghost
Do it often. Throw in the occasional leonine roar. When approaching orgasm it’s best to signal this by alternating between the two. Scream and roar, scream and roar, scream and roar. It’s in all the best porn.
4. Never throw away a rubber trophy
What better way to say in demand sex god/goddess than a bedroom floor tiled with used condoms.
5. Make a sex tape, put it on social media
It will enhance all future job applications and increase your reputation with friends and family.
6. Switch positions at least 12 times
Remember, the goal isn’t mutual orgasms; the goal is endurance. And bragging rights. If anyone is expressing any kind of enjoyment, you’re not changing it up quick enough.
We all have that one friend who needs to sharpen up their act. Share this with them and watch them stride with added confidence the next time you see them.