Sex. A tricky thing to get right nowadays, especially with the internet and it’s weird ‘life changing’ tips floating around. Although there are always exceptions to the rule, we’ve stripped it back down to the basics for you, lads. You can thank us later.
1) Boob equality
If you stroke/kiss/squeeze/whatever one boob, newsflash: you don’t have to do it to the other one. They are not children fighting for your attention, trust us on this one, they’ll be just fine.
2) Figure out how to sext right
We don’t find dick pics sexy. Never have, never will. The same applies to the majority of sexting technique. Most of the typical dirty texting techniques are about as sexy as a teenage dry-hump. Subtlety is key – don’t just ask her what she’s wearing or how turned on she is right now, because she’s probably not. Text her about the last time she initiated sex, and how much you loved it. Studies have shown that praising her advances in this way increases the chances of a delayed encore.
3) Clean sheets aren’t a nice optional added extra
They’re a necessity. Change your damn sheets, for the love of all that is holy. And if you really want to make us weak at the knees, make your bed too.
4) The third date rule is a lie
Fun fact: we’ll sleep with you whenever we damn well feel like it. We’re all individuals, and every situation is different. If there’s a serious connection there she might sleep with you on the first date or she could swing the other way and decide she wants to sleep with you on the seventh date, or – shock horror – after three months, or she may not sleep with you ever. If it gets to the third date and it’s clear you’re anticipating the beast with two backs (No, inviting us for dinner and a ‘movie’ at your place is not subtle) then you’re merely making her feel pressured into sleeping with you. It’ll do much more for your ego when she’s the one initiating, and she’s 100% more likely to enjoy it.
5) Having a shaved vagina is worse than you think
Unless you personally have at some point shaved all of your pubic hair (and we mean all, front to back) and know how awkwardly itchy it is when it grows back. Don’t even get us started on waxing. Fancy ripping the hair from your balls with hot wax? No? I wonder why. It’s cool if you’re anti-pube, there’s no problem with that, just bear in mind what she’s suffering through. And you better enjoy that hair free vagina, with no complaints about missed spots and stragglers; we’re not magicians.
6) We shouldn’t even need to tell you this one
Tell her she’s really effing attractive. And believe it. If you don’t believe it, you really shouldn’t be sleeping with her. And don’t just tell her in the bedroom or when you want in her pants, tell her consistently how hot you think she is. Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom.
7) Spit and lube are not interchangeable
Repeat after us: “I will not spit on you without your clear verbal consent”. There are obviously exceptions to the rule, but if she wants you to spit on your hand before it goes wandering, then wait for her to literally tell you she wants you to. And to put it frankly, if it’s so dry down there that you actually have to wet it with the spit from your mouth, that means you’re probably not doing a good enough job anyway. On a similar note, wash your hands if you know things are going to get jiggy, UTI’s are real and they ain’t pretty.
8) Blowjobs are voluntary
If you physically push a girls head down when she’s going down on you, you’ve just scored yourself a 98% chance of never getting a blowjob from her ever again. Ever. That’s not hot, not even slightly. And if you’ve forced her down there somewhat unwillingly in first place, then you sir are the one who sucks. Metaphorically, of course.
9) Texting the next day is not optional
Unless it a was a pre-declared, completely unattached one night stand, text her the next day. Even if it was a one night stand, a text wouldn’t go amiss. ‘Last night was fun’ will do it, it doesn’t need to be a three page essay about your feelings, and if you don’t want to see her again you don’t have to tell her you want to see her again. Just acknowledge the fact you had sex and move on. Let’s put it this way, she granted you access to her vagina, so the least you can do is not be a rude idiot and leave her feeling confused. Are we clear? Good.
What would you add? Let us know in the comments
The post 9 Things Men Need To Hurry Up And Realise About Sex appeared first on The Hook.