That little bit of experience goes a long way….
1. You get to have sex in a double bed like a grown up, rather than uncomfortably trying to balance and manoeuvre your way around a single one. Yipee
2. You don’t have to hold your breath and stifle your noises for fear that your parents might hear and realise you are actually sexually active. That’s always awkward.
3. You also don’t have to stress about removing suspect stains. Waiting for the moment when you know for sure mum won’t be back for an hour so that you can run a wash and dry cycle without her ever knowing.
4. You don’t have to have 11 bottles of Smirnoff Ice or straw 7 Reefs in 10 minutes before you feel comfortable enough to kiss a member of the opposite sex.
5. You’re now lying comfortably in the knowledge that you’re not the only one who sometimes zones out for whole episodes to think about Birthday’s/Orange Is The New Black/Breakfast
6. The period of emotional unrest that follows a one night stand has dramatically reduced from months to weeks and for some even to minutes.
7. Both men and women now know for absolute certain that 20 minutes of continuous finger pumping will not achieve an orgasm.
8. You don’t have to copy all the weird sex positions from trashy magazines. This is good for everyone’s ego and all parties can happily rotate between the three positions they know how to.
9. Both men and women now have a much better idea of how periods work, and when it is acceptable or unacceptable to have sex during that awkward time.
10. You know what toys you can work with to make it fun, and which toys scare the living daylights out of you both and make it awkward as hell.
11. Everybody involved understands and respects the fact that women cannot be expected to wear uncomfortable thongs everyday in order to appear sexy. The men have accepted knickers.
12. Women have experienced an actual real orgasm, and men are more than 90% sure that they have provided one.
13. Women no longer think that they will always be sh*t at giving blow jobs.
14. And men have realised that they can use their mouths too, and that women actually like it.
15. Everybody seems to know where all the right holes are, and so any attempted approach to the bum can be batted away with the certainty that he is a ‘cheeky little sh*t’.
16. Condoms are only about half as awkward as they were in your teens, which still means they still suck but nowhere near as much.
17. And you have stopped buying random flavours such as blueberry because you’ve grown to realise it doesn’t change a thing.
18. You are no longer confined to the bedroom – you can have sex all over the gaff – or at least on the sofa whilst watching Bake Off or Houdini or whatever the hell you feel like.
19. The best part? You can actually tell when sex is good and when it’s so bad that you both instinctively know that one of you needs to leave now and it is never to be spoken of again.
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