It’s a lot easier to be bad in bed than it is to be good.
1. Be sure to be drunk so you can loosen up.
After all, sex is really only about you. That should get rid of any nerves you may have and make it all very memorable. Oh wait, maybe you won’t remember a thing…
As you passionately fumble your way up the stairs removing layers of clothing be sure to compare yourself to Christian Grey or Jenna Jameson.
3. Skip the foreplay, EVERY TIME
Who’s got time for that anyway? It’s like going to a gig, if we have the choice of not sitting through the support acts then we’d definitely go straight for the headliner.
4. Quote from Lord of the Rings…
5. Critique the performance of your partner.
How else are they going to improve? Do you think the first shot Tiger Woods hit was a hole in one? Damn right it wasn’t. It probably went out of bounds and then his dad told him how to adjust his swing. If your partner needs to adjust their swing, tell them as soon as possible so as to avoid a bad experience.
6. Treat it like a sprint
This isn’t about mutual orgasms. It’s a race to the finish line. Why is Usain Bolt so popular? Because he is always first across the line.
7. Make sure social media knows
You’re getting laid! Tweet it and then put a status update on Facebook, be sure to like your own status while you’re at it.
8. Ask if you’re the best they ever had
Immediately after the deed is done. Don’t hang around feeling insecure, just come right out and ask.
9. Find a routine, stick to it
Don’t be spontaneous, you could startle people which in turn could lead to a high blood pressure. We’re creatures of habit for a reason.
10. Don’t hang around, get out of there.
Treat ’em mean keep ’em keen. They will respect you for finishing up with business and then immediately evacuating the building without another word.